Sweet Dreams

2009-12-27T08:16:00.010-05:00

It's New Year's Eve tonight! We're going to a party at a friend's place in Sainte Marie, where I'm sure you'll dazzle everyone with your charm and good looks. At Aunty Carolyne's Christmas brunch everyone was charmed by you and amazed that you went down for a nap without struggle while the rest of the kids stayed up and got crankier by the minute from lack of sleep.

Christmas morning, you learned how to open a gift for the first time, and I can see that by next year you'll really be into the whole Christmas thing, as by the time we got to the gifts at Carolyn's place you were opening them like a pro and seemed to think that all the gifts were for you.

A word on the tree: We were supposed to pick up a tree about a week before Christmas, but we never got around to it, so I decided that for my birthday, I wanted to pick up a tree, bring it back home and decorate it and have a glass of wine and some snacks. This plan also fell through, as we had to go look at the new house we're moving into. So. On Christmas eve, after I got home from work and you were tucked in bed for your nap, I went into the back yard and pulled a baby tree out of the ground (I know, Tree Killer!). I stuck it in a vase filled with stones and covered that with Simon's grandmother's gold lamé tree skirt and tied the tree up to the banister so it would stand upright. I then wrapped it with the only lights I could find, which was a string on which only half the bulbs were working. I put the dead half of the string on the stairs behind the plastic that keeps you from climbing onto the stairs through the balusters. I then decorated the tree with a metallic blue garland the I stole form a restaurant I worked in years ago, and some gold decorations, again made by Simon's grandmother. So, all in all, it was a pretty ghetto Christmas tree, but the end result was pretty decent, and it was set up in the nick of time; no pun intended.

You had a quiet time at daycare this week, since you were the only one there, so you got lots of attention. It really seems like Aleksandra has a special place in her heart for you. She's always saying how good you are. Your father thinks this warrants a discount, but i don't think that would fly.

As for tonight, we'll see how that party goes. It might be too loud for you to sleep there, although last year we had a party at our house and slept right through everything. That was the first time I had ever gotten tipsy since you were born. I certainly regretted it the next day, since babies don't sleep in, but at least I got to let off a bit of steam.

I hope that next year, we can start some Christmas and New Years Eve traditions. You'll be old enough to appreciate them them, which will make it all more meaningful. We got a bit of a start this year, when I decided to make all the gifts by hand (and learned that I should start earlier next year). I knit little Christmas balls and a few cowls for family and friends and found a recipe for little glazed chocolate cookies that are spiced with a bit of clove to give them that Christmassy feeling. One batch makes about four baking trays (they're only 1.5 in. wide), so they're perfect for gift-giving. They were a hit with everyone. And hey, next year, you can help me!

Sorry about the poor quality pictures. One day I'll get that Nikon D-80 I've been dreaming of, but for right now, all I've got is the camera in my cellphone. Simon brought the "good" camera to Banff for his snowboarding trip and his friend wrapped himself around a tree, wherein the camera ended up flying into the snowdrifts. Maybe next year...

Aaaand her you are enjoying a piece of bacon.

2009-12-08T11:12:00.008-05:00

A few weeks from now, you'll be 18 months old. And you are so much fun! Previously, I had had visions of temper tantrums and endless getting-into-things, but it's not really like that at all. You do have a handful of small meltdowns each day when you encounter some kind of challenge, like when you can't push your ride-on toy up over the step between the living room and the kitchen, but I feel that's totally understandable. You're a little guy in a big world, and I figure the lack of control must be frustrating at times.

One way you've learned to manipulate your environment, though, is through feeding yourself. Aleksandra has been serving a lot of soup lately because of cold and flu season, so you've quickly honed your self-feeding skills. The other day, you fed yourself your entire breakfast and for me it was a revelation! There were no eating games or power-struggles to get you to eat food that I know you like but are too stubborn to eat because you don't like being spoon-fed by someone else. I was also able to make my own breakfast and start a loaf of bread while you were eating! It's like a whole new world has opened up, a world where there are extra hours in every day. I'm telling you, it used to take up to an hour to feed you your meals. I swear you ate so slowly that by the time you got half way through your meal, you had digested the first bit and started to get hungry all over again. Or something like that. Either way, it took forever to feed you.

Because of this new skill, your so interested in eating now that suppertime (aka, The Time of Day When Ethan Throws Food on the Floor) is just so much more enjoyable. Supper has been notoriously difficult because you not only have had a lot to eat by that time in the day, but there aren't any kids around to inspire you to eat. Now, however, things are going quite smoothly, and I can only hope that this phase lasts a while. We're even taking a risk by going out for supper tonight, in a place with white table cloths.

2009-11-12T15:38:00.011-05:00

I haven't posted much here lately because, for the first time in ages, life has been pretty tame, and I daresay boring! You yourself are never boring, of course; you use a lot of different words and names now and have also started to climb the furniture. I recently bought you a table and chair set from Ikea, and your new favourite activity is to climb onto the chair and try to pull yourself up over the back of the couch. You also like to push the chairs around the room and then have a fit when you run into a wall or another piece of furniture and the chair won't move anymore. Your tantrums are decidedly tolerable, though; instead of violently flinging yourself on your stomach like most toddlers, it's as if you're suddenly struck with the urge to lie down on your back, taking care to gently lay your head on the floor so as not to hurt yourself as you start weakly crying. You sort of remind me of one of those goats that faints when startled.

Daddy and I had our first day without you yesterday, since he's not working right now and I had Remembrance Day off since I work for the government. I got a haircut in the morning and then we were going to go to Nordik spa, but it was way too busy. Instead, we had some wine at a new cafe in Wakefield and savoured the feeling of playing hooky. The thing is, we would have had to pay for daycare that day even if we had kept you home, so we seized the opportunity for some sorely needed Mommy-Daddy time.

On the daycare front, Alkesandra tells me that two of the boys like to steal your doggie, which upsets you very much. I'm not sure what to do about it, but your father says he wants to teach you how to throw a punch. I'm pretty sure there's nothing we can do, though, except maybe teach you how to protect yourself and your doggie and to say "no." Till now, we've successfully avoided the "no" phase and fit-throwing when you have something taken away, but now it seems we'll end up having to actively encourage these things. Parenting is so hard- you try to teach your kid manners and to let things roll off their back and other kids take advantage of it.

The pictures posted here are of a walk and a trip to the playground we took a few weeks ago. The weather is quickly turning cold, so I'm trying to get outside with you as much as possible before we're cooped up inside while we wait for there to be enough snow on the ground to have some winter fun!

Vacation Time

2009-10-21T14:56:00.007-04:00

So, here we are on our "vacation" together. I put quotation marks around vacation because like everybody says, being a mom is a full-time job. All the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, emotional supporting, etc, etc. are a lot to handle- I'd forgotten how hard it was to be SAHM. That being said, I'm really appreciative of the time we are having together, just you and me.

We've been going outside a lot, since you seem a bit stir crazy being here instead of daycare, where they have all kinds of toys and play structures inside and out. We even went on a hike yesterday, you in the backpack being carried by Simon and me bringing up the rear with your granola supply, in case you got hungry. I think that was more exercise than your father has had in years. But it felt good for all of us to be out there. The weather was nice, the scenery was amazing, and the air was fresh.

We also went to Bramasole yesterday for some brunch after an appointment. Unfortunately, as part of your toddler-ness involves the throwing of temper tantrums, you were less than thrilled at having to be confined to your high chair after I made the mistake of letting you roam free in the restaurant while I retrieved said high chair. We struggled to get you into the chair while you contorted your body whith your mind-boggling toddler strength in order to keep us from succeeding. We're bigger than you, however, so we eventually crammed you in and distracted you with your shape-sorter just long enough to place our orders. While we waited for our food and struggled to keep you happy and relatively quiet, the girl at the table next to us quickly downed her coffee and made for the door. It was then that I realised that we were "those people" the ones with the noisy, whining kid that's slightly out of control in an otherwise civilized environment. I sympathise with those people now, as I have seen the light. I used to roll my eyes and mutter "shut up" under my breath from across the room, but now I get it, and I have received my karmic bitch slap.

Other than that little glitch, though, this time with you has been really great, and I'm not looking forward to leaving you at daycare again. One of the hardest things about being a parent these days is having a child and then having someone else take care of that child while you spend your day at work. It's totally ridiculous, but I don't have a choice. I guess I'll just have to start playing the lottery...

Toddlerhood

2009-10-01T08:16:00.007-04:00

You're fifteen months old now, which is surprisingly different from being one year old. You're really leaving your baby ways behind you and are becoming a toddler (yikes!). This is most apparent in the increased number of temper tantrums and your reluctance to let me brush your teeth. Yet, it manifests itself in mostly positive ways, such as your increased vocabulary, mobility and playfulness. You respond more to directions and to teaching than you did before, and you repeat a word immediately after we say it, whereas before, we'd say a word about a thousand times before you would randomly come out with it on your own.

You've been quite cranky lately, and I can't tell if you're teething or not, since you won't let me anywhere near your mouth, but I'm inclined to suspect that you're teething because you keep putting your fingers in your mouth. You also had a cold this past weekend, which didn't help. I'm afraid, however, that maybe I'm just trying to find excuses and that this is really just the new you, since everyone says toddlers are such a pain in the butt. Time will tell...

We're presently awaiting the birth of your caregiver's new baby, upon which I will be taking two weeks off from work, since she's closing up shop for two weeks of "mat leave." I've already got a long list of things to do and catch up on, one of which is potty training. I'm really not looking forward to this, because you're an the age where you automatically refuse to do just about anything I want you to do, whether it's eating the food I've prepared for supper, putting your shoes on or letting me pick you up so you don't go and knock over everything on the grocery store shelves. I'll give it a go, though, and I suppose that if it doesn't work out very well I might be able to pawn off some of the responsibility on daycare. Hopefully. I'm not sure it works like that, though; that would be too easy, right?

I also want to announce that I have finally finished knitting your sweater; it just needs a button now and then you'll be all set. It's made of Merino wool, so I think it will be quite warm, which will please Aleksandra and her mother at daycare. It seems they think you'll freeze to death sometimes- it's only October and they already have you covered head to toe in your winter clothing and keep asking for more heavy sweaters. But, at least they care...

Return to Normalcy

2009-09-10T12:56:00.007-04:00

Things have finally settled down at home since the move and the switch from nanny to daycare. Margarita found a new job shortly after we told her we had to let her go, and she moved out about a week and a half ago. Let me tell you, it's been a week and a half of bliss! Not that she was a horrible person or anything- we just prefer to have our house and our family life to ourselves. Maybe it comes from being the self-absorbed only children that we are. Also, it was pretty darned expensive.

You have started going to the eco-friendly daycare, which you seem to enjoy quite a bit. There were a few rough days in the beginning, where you wouldn't sleep or eat much in the daytime. That would be partly our fault, though, because your nanny used to distract you with toys while she shoveled food into your mouth because you had an aversion to being spoon-fed. Also, she never wanted to make the effort to "train" you to take one long nap instead of two short ones (or one long one too early in the day is more like it). Aleks, your new daycare provider had you sleeping from 12-3 in no time, with minimal problems; just a bit of restlessness at night as you adjusted to the new schedule.

There were a couple of days when you (and I) cried when I brought you to daycare, and you reached out from Alek's arms and clung to my neck, but that ended quite quickly with the help of Domino, your stuffed doggie (thanks Adam!), to whom you're still very much attached. You clung to him while you watched me leave and that seemed to be enough for you to feel secure in your new surroundings.

Now, however, you go to Aleks with a smile on your face and you eat almost everything she offers, which is amazing. That includes raw vegetables! I tried to get you to eat some raw tomato last night, and you had a fit, so I don't know what's up with that, but I suspect that seeing other kids eat motivates yo to do the same. Whatever works!

It's such a relief knowing that you're eating organic food and milk everyday instead of being trained to eat nothing but hot dogs, chicken fingers and pasta, like you would in almost any other daycare. Nutrition is so important for kids, whose minds and bodies are developing in every possible way, and I really don't understand why nutrition is on the bottom of the list of priorities in most child-care settings. I realise it's easier and for the caregiver to make "kid-friendly" food, but that's not the point, and anyone who works in childcare should care enough about the kids to do better. Is this not part of what we pay them for? Anyhow, I digress.

On the knitting front, I'm starting my first sweater, which I hope will fit you nicely and won't have sleeves of differing lengths and such things as are normally seen when grandma knits someone a sweater in a television sitcom. I think it's about halfway done now, after only three days of knitting. I realise this is simply because of the small size, but it's quite encouraging.

On the language front, you've left me in the dust as far as my keeping track of the words you say. You repeat words and sounds immediately after hearing them now, so your vocabulary has increased immensely over the last few weeks. You also seem to have learned to "draw", as I learned when you picked up the pen I was using to keep track of my knitting and promptly drew a line on the rocking chair cushion. And now I'm the proud owner of a new Tide stick. I'm actually off to buy you some crayons on the drive home so you have something that will only really make marks on paper.

You're walking like a champ now, still mostly while holding someones hand, but you can make it pretty far without any help- I think you just like the security of having someone to steady you sometimes.

You also have a new habit of poking the dog in the eye and pulling on her lips, which I hope will not end in disaster one day, when I don't make it to the living room quickly enough after hearing her "Stop poking me in the eye" growl.

Although you're really quite a handful, you're one of the most pleasant and least temperamental babies I've seen, which makes life with you so pleasant-I can't thank you enough!

Love, Mama

Childcare- Ick!

2009-08-19T12:50:00.003-04:00

For various reasons, the Au Pair thing is not working out, so I'm in the process of trying to find a new daycare. Posting will again be light until I figure something out, so bear with me- I'm using literally every minute of break and lunch time on this! For now, I'll give you a short update:
You've begun to take your first wobbly steps alone and have become obsessed with walking in general (while holding someones hand). I believe this is starting to interfere with your sleep, but I suppose it's worth it- we don't want you to be crawling around when your ten.
You've really learned a lot of words lately, mostly animal names, and you have started to imitate people more readily. For example, in one of your bedtime books a rooster goes "cock-a-doodle-do!," and after hearing me say it a few times, you started saying"do, do, do, do, dooo!" when we get to the rooster page. Very cute.
Other than that, we've all been trying to settle into the new house and enjoy a bit of Wakefield living. You love pizza from Cheesey Louigi's and ate a whole piece the other night! I don't know where you put your food, because sometimes you eat almost as much as I do. Maybe your nanny's starving you...
I'm joking, but we do have other childcare options on the horizon, the best of which seems to be a lady in Chelsea who serves all organic food on non-plastic dinnerware and has non-plastic toys. I have an interview with her on Friday, and am prepared to lick her shoes if she lets you in.

Wakefield

2009-08-11T10:02:00.007-04:00

We've been living in Wakefield for a week now, and I have to say we're all happier for it. You've been extremely chipper since we moved there, and I can only chalk it up to the abundance of fresh air from being outside all the time, since EVERYTHING is within walking distance. Oh, and maybe the chance to see other human beings helps too. You (and we) were very isolated in Metcalfe, and for some reason the neighbours weren't very friendly. I think people live out there to have privacy, i.e., no neighbours. Half the residents of our new street in Wakefield have come to greet us, and you even have a new "uncle," a painter named Moe who lives few houses down. Turns out he used to do some commissions in Charleston- small world.

Your new favourite pastime is to sit in the swing hanging from the tree in the front yard and say "car!" or "cuck!" every time a vehicle passes by. Also, you've been brave enough to enter the freezing cold water of the Gatineau river, which is more than I can say for myself. Tonight, we're going to take you to to a nice little cafe called Chez Eric to play in the sandbox while I see if I can negotiate a very part-time second job (your nanny is costing us an arm and a leg, and while your on the waiting list for daycare there's not much we can do). That's right, there's a sandbox on the patio. Wakefield is more baby-friendly than I could ever have imagined. The owners of Chez Eric also have an 18 month-old daughter, whom I'm sure you'll meet soon, if not this evening.

I hope you like it in Wakefield (and I really think you do) and that we can stay for long enough to build a nice, stable, life here.

We're moving...again.

2009-07-28T13:05:00.002-04:00

We're moving to Wakefield next weekend, since Simon has realised that he couldn't have any kind of work and/or living arrangement with his father ever again. Also, we were plannign to buy your grandfather's house, but at the last minute he jacked up the price, so we couldn't afford it. It's a stressful time, but I'm sure we're going to have a significantly more enjoyable life in Wakefield than we ever would in Metcalfe, since there's like, a bazillion more things to do there and there are much more interesting people around, some of whom, gasp, we already know! That includes some new playmates for you, as well as the kids you'll meet at the local playgroup. I'm pretty excited!
So. Posting here will again be light because of the general busyness, but I just want to say that you've been a real treat lately- very affectionate and pleasant, if a bit clingy. But there's really nothing wrong with clingy, in my opinion. Anyone who says you shouldn't pick up your child when the want to be picked up is insane. Why deny someone their need for affection? To me, that's equal to denying you food and water- people thrive on love.
Anyhow, I hope you like your new home and that the whistle from the steam train doesn't wake you for your naps all the time...

2009-07-20T12:44:00.002-04:00

Simon, on coming home from work, whereupon you squeal with glee and madly scramble across the floor to greet him: "Ethan being happy to see you totally kicks that shit out of your dog being happy to see you!"

2009-07-06T20:46:00.004-04:00

This post is a little late in coming, but I wanted to let you know that your birthday party was a great success! We had a lot of friends and family over and you met your new best buddy Oisin. You guys are totally into each other and it's totally cute! You got a bunch of new toys and some nice (new, for a change!) clothes. You had lots of fun and even enjoyed your birthday cake, although, the next day, you decided you didn't like it anymore. I thought you'd go for the cream cheese icing even if the cake itself lost it's appeal, but I guess I was wrong.

The only low point in the day was just before the party, when your father decided to help you with your birthday hat and he snapped the elastic against the underside of your chin, sending you into a fit of pain and rage. His first instinct at that point was to take your picture, since you still hadn't let go of your balloon. Admittedly, it is a funny picture, but I'll refrain from posting it here because this is supposed to be a happy blog!

Happy birthday, Pooky!

2009-07-06T15:41:00.007-04:00

We recently celebrated your second Canada Day- this one was a little more coherent than last year, when you were too young and I was too sleep-deprived to know what was going on. On Wednesday I dressed you up in red and white and we took you downtown to the Top of the World skate demo on Rideau street, where you were happy to sit in your stroller for about an hour, watching the skateboarders go back and forth and up and down the ramps. You were especially interested in seeing people fall, and every time you would lean forward to get a better look at the carnage. It seems you've inherited your parents' tendency to find joy in other people's pain.

Later that day, we went to a barbecue at a friend's place, where I was hoping you might sleep, since you hadn't napped in the morning. When we got there, our friend's son Adrian was already napping, so the only place you could use for a nap was his little couch in the middle of the living room floor. I knew you would never in a million years sleep in the middle of someones brightly lit living room, with the TV on and people around, and, oh my God, heretofore undiscovered toys in the vicinity, but I gave it a shot anyway. I lay you down with your duck and your pacifier, and you actually did lie there for a little while- I almost thought you might go to sleep when you rolled on to your side and cuddled into the pillow, but it didn't happen. It was cute, though. After Adrian woke up, I tried to get you to sleep in his crib, but that didn't work either. I certainly hope we can get you to sleep at the cottage in Charleston this summer so you don't get cranky every time we're visiting your grandparents- time will tell.

After the two unsuccessful nap attempts, you and Adrian played in the kiddie pool, which you looooved. I guess it was like bath time, but more exciting, and you had permission to splash all you wanted. I hope to get you your own pool soon, since there aren't many places to swim in our area. And I hope you're willing to share with Mama.

It's nice to see you play with other kids now. I worry that because you're at home with Margarita all the time, you're missing out on important social interaction. On the other hand, I'm glad I don't really have to worry about you being sick all the time, which is the case with a lot of kids in daycare. I'm going to make more of an effort to get you together with your little friends this summer, though, and so far we're off to a good start between Oisin, Adrian and the friends we'll meet at the park downtown.

Happy Summer!

Because You Only Turn One Once

2009-06-05T09:48:00.012-04:00

Very soon, you will be a year old! Here's the story of how you came to be.

At the time, we were living in a two bedroom apartment in Hull and I had just started working a a nearby hotel. We decided to start trying once I had gotten closer to the end of my three month probation period, in case any morning sickness revealed that I was "in a family way" and they decided to sack me without notice- a very likely scenario when you work in the restaurant industry, where staff are cheap and plentiful.

I mapped out when I would be fertile based on the cycles of the previous year and we got to work. My cycle had been changing a bit from going off the pill, so when it was close to period time, I took a chance and bought an early pregnancy test because the suspense was killing me. Unfortunately, the test came out negative, so I just had to wait and see. (These tests are real money-makers, by the way. They rely on your inevitable impatience with waiting to see if you're pregnant. Combine that with the fact that they get more accurate the closer you are to your usual menstruation date, and there you are buying test after test, just in case you jumped the gun with the one before, since you never really know when your period's coming.)

When I got my period, I was a little disappointed, but I knew that, realistically speaking, it would take a few trys to get pregnant. A few days later, however, when Simon and I went out for brunch at a greasy spoon down the road, it hit me and I started blubbering nonsense about never being able to conceive and having to take fertility drugs because there was probably something wrong with one of us and my cycle was synching up with my bosses because we were around each other all the time and I'd never pinpoint when I was fertile, etc., etc.

It was at this point that I realised how much I wanted to have a baby.
I looked at the fertility charts I had printed out from the internet and tweaked them a bit according to observations of my cycle over the previous months and calculated when we should start trying to make a baby, thinking that we had actually missed the window during the month before. So, twice a day we got down to business. And darned if trying to conceive isn’t the biggest buzz-kill out there. I can’t imagine how people do that for months on end- we were very lucky it happened so fast.
About two days after I was supposed to have my period I couldn't’t stand the suspense anymore and bought a pregnancy test. I also had plans that night and wanted to see if I would be able to have a cocktail or two. When the test revealed a positive result I ran to the office to show your father. We were so excited, and a bit freaked out- I was even shaking a bit as I hugged him. This was a big deal!
Now, here we are, a year after D day- in one piece I might add. There were definitely some hard times, times I was convinced I couldn't’t handle but got through because there was no other choice. Having a baby is the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I was in no way prepared for what it might do to me and my life. The winter we spent in Metcalfe was long and made me feel very isolated, not having much help from friends or family. We got through it, though and now we’re coming up on summer and a new life with a little guy whose personality has really exploded.

You've changed so much over the past year. You're a good sleeper now, which I never thought would happen. You sleep through the night every night, unless you're going through some milestone, like learning to crawl, which seems to give you an uncontrollable urge to practice your new skills when you surface a bit in the night. Your naps are good too- both of them! You no longer resist the second one, and you don't fuss at all when we put you down. I daresay you like to sleep. Oh no, I just jinxed it...

You also have a good little sense of humour and enjoy growling at the dog, being tickled, playing peekaboo, and making various guttural noises at the grocery store to embarrass you mother.

Oh, and let us not forget your obsession with swiping mommy and daddy's glasses- gotta love those little fingerprints!

We're having a birthday party for you tomorrow afternoon, and I'm really excited. I can't wait to see you in your little birthday hat, eating your carrot birthday cake. Yes, I made you a healthy cake- didn't think it was possible, did you?

I hope you like your cake and enjoy your party. You deserve the biggest and best celebration we can give you for bringing so much happiness into our lives!

Ethan, you have changed me and my life forever, and for that I'm grateful. I'll never forget the moment when I was lying in the hospital bed after being wheeled to my room and I said to your father "I think I'm in love." I'm tearing up just thinking about it! It hit me like a wall after the birth, when the dust settled and I had a chance to absorb the fact of your existence. Never have I felt love so strongly before. Thank you.

11 Months

2009-05-20T14:56:00.012-04:00

You started crawling this month- a little later than average, but that was fine with me. I felt that the longer you stayed immobile the better, especially when everyone was telling me to enjoy it while it lasted. I also needed time to convince your father that we should buy baby gates rather than try to make them. We finally bought some gates last weekend, about three weeks too late.

Bath time has become a two person job, since you keep standing up in your little tub, holding on precariously to the sides of the big tub. I keep trying to sit you back down, but you won't have it! And when we pull you out of the tub, you MUST start crawling around as soon as we place you on the floor. Unfortunately, a wet baby is a slippery baby, and I'm afraid you might break all your limbs, so I've started to wrap you in your towel and deposit you in your room, where there's carpet. You can go wild in there for a few minutes before we try to wrestle a diaper and pj's onto your little body.

You started to pull up and cruise right after learning to crawl, while also learning how to get back down to a seated position without falling down. Now, every night and for every nap you pull yourself up to stand in your crib and play, so we have to lay you back down a few times before you finally decide to settle to sleep. We also had to move the pacifier stash that was on the table beside your crib because you started helping yourself!

You said your first "big" word the other day- "tiger." But you say it more like "ti-grrrr," like you know that tigers growl. This was brought about by a Tigger rocker that I picked up at a garage sale, as well as a picture of a tiger in your favourite board book. If you see one you look at the other, and eventually you came out with the word after hearing us say it a few times. Your first word was actually "dada"- we thought you knew what it meant, and maybe you do, but you also say dada when I give you a cookie, when I come into the room, when the dog goes by, etc. You do say cat, though, and only when the cat is around. Maybe you're just a cat person.

We've started potty training now, too, since about 50% of the world's babies are trained by the time they are a year old, and your nanny happens to be from Russia, where it's commonplace to start training around 6 months. So far, if you ever do a "job" in the potty, it's just good timing, but we have to start somewhere. The trick is to shower you with praise when you go in the potty, so you start to realise that going to the bathroom in the potty is more rewarding than letting go in your diaper. Success will probably be along time coming, but there's really nothing to lose,and the earlier we start, the earlier we'll finish. I can't wait to gloat when we're done, and I personally feel that waiting till 18 months or later is too late. By that time, the "diaper training" would be totally ingrained!

You're a lot fun right now, and I wish I could spend all my time with you, but alas, I have to work to put Baby Mum Mums on the table. I have yet to streamline my schedule of working, cooking and cleaning to the point where we can actually have some leisure time together rather than running errands together. I don't want to miss a thing, as being at work has amplified how quickly you change and become your own little person.

Back to work

2009-04-22T15:18:00.008-04:00

I started my new job last Tuesday, after a weeks notice on the part of my boss. I was pretty upset that our time together had been cut short, but also sort of relieved to be re-entering the "real" world. When all is said and done, I miss you dearly, but it's actually easier to go to work than to be a stay-at-home mom, at least when you have to take care of your invalid father-in-law to boot. Now, Daddy is staying home, at least for another week or so, and I have heard that you are much quieter when I'm not around. Like you save up all your chit-chat, and sometimes your angst, for me. I'm not sure why this is, but I'm hoping that your just more comfortable with me than anyone else- that would be the most flattering explanation.

Margarita, our Au Pair, was miraculously able to make it to Ottawa the night after work started, after travelling from Russia for three days. The poor thing was so exhausted, and on top of the travelling, she had a twelve hour time difference to get accustomed to.

I was relieved to see that you are very comfortable with her and that you don't seem to care very much that I'm not around for most of the week now. Although part of me wants you to fling yourself onto the floor and wrap your little arms around my ankles when I leave for work, I'm glad I haven't had to go to you more often in the night, which is what some mothers go through when they return to work and their baby wants some of the attention they missed in the daytime. I suppose it also helps that you're still at home rather than in an unfamiliar daycare with a bunch of other kids who would be competing for adult attention. Yes, we occupy a priviledged position in society now- we have a nanny. Not only is this good for you, but it's also good for me in the sense that having Margarita around is like having a wife. And every woman needs a wife. She takes care of you all day while I'm at work, does the dishes, your laundry, and sometimes a little cooking, and gives me a rundown of your day when I get home. Now if I could only train your father...

Food, Glorious Food!

2009-04-01T11:25:00.005-04:00

Hello, Little Man.
I'm not sure what to write today, but something will probably come up. It's just that I want to make sure to get a few more posts in before I go back to work, so I don't "waste" what's left of my mat-leave. What to write, what to write...
Jean has come home from the hospital and is now under our care, which means plenty more cooking and cleaning for Mama. Before, I just kind of flew by the seat of my pants with all that, but it seems I'm going to have to carefully plan my days now, which, unfortunately, is not how I'd like to spend the rest of the time before work. He's definitely better off here, though, as by the sound of it, some of the nurses he had in the hospital treated him pretty badly for no apparent reason. I've heard many stories of evil nurses, so I'm not surprised. I even had one during my postpartum days in the hospital. She became unusually angry when we first met, having discovered that I wasn't watching the instructional programming (like, "How to Bathe Your Newborn") on the little T.V. in my room, and from then on, she treated me like dirt and made me feel like I was already and inadequate mother. But I digress.

I believe you're teething again, which is unfortunate, but hey, you've got five teeth now, with a possible sixth on the way and you're getting really good at using them. You gnaw on cookies and other crunchy foods like it ain't no thing, so I no longer have to do the "mash" test to see if you can eat a food based on whether or not you could mush it up against the roof of your mouth with your tongue in order to "chew" and swallow it.
We can now share some of our meals with you, which is fun too. You really liked a pesto pasta dish we had the other night, you tore into some Colcannon on St. Patrick's Day, and you LOVE hummus. I attribute this to the inordinate amounts of garlic you probably acquired a taste for both in the womb and while breastfeeding. Your welcome. You also like pineapple. A lot. I have to stop you after you've consumed, like, a quarter of a pineapple, so you don't get a tummy ache or a sore tongue (I assume that if it happens to me, it'll happen to you). I made roasted red pepper dip for you this week, but that didn't fly, so it's back to my list of ideas. It's nice to see you interested in food though, a nice break from all the boring jarred purees. Healthier too, I should think, except you might be exposed to a bit more salt than what they have in the jars, which is none. I however, think that you should be able to experience what food actually tastes like. I feel that if all you're ever exposed to is bland, unseasoned food, you'll probably be a bit more reluctant to expand your palate and will end up a picky eater like your father, or like I was when I was a kid. Oh God, I was picky. But at least part of the problem can attributed to a steady diet of meat and potatoes- there's nothing interesting about that, especially for a kid. Your experience will be very different, and hopefully you'll enjoy many more foods than I ever did.
I guess food's on my mind right now because of my new cooking duties- your grandfather is extremely picky, too. For various reasons of taste and constitution he refuses to eat such basic foods as bell peppers and onions (onions!). Again, I'm left with meat and potatoes. As your dad put it "when you're cooking for him, just pretend you're Grandma- that's the kind of food he likes." So the next little while is going to be rather dull on the culinary front, and for that I apologize.
Anyhow, I'm about to make a batch of hummus for those of us who do like flavour...

Busy Busy!

2009-03-23T14:58:00.004-04:00

It seems that my maternity leave ends a few weeks sooner than I realised- I should be going back to work around the end of April, which is not so very far away. I have begun to panic a bit because there is so much to do and my time home with you is coming to an end just when I have started to feel a bit more comfortable with this whole mothering thing. You're also becoming quite the little character- you're a joy to be around like never before. A lot has happened since I last posted; you've started sleeping through the night again (thank God!) and saying "dada." You're also able to move cross the floor, albeit not by crawling, but by turning around on your tummy and rolling back and forth. It's evident that you really want to be able to crawl, but it's just not happening yet. Right now, if I put you on your tummy you will rock back and forth or scoot backward a bit, but usually you just roll over onto your back, saving yourself the effort of trying to crawl at all. I hope you're crawling soon, though, because I think that's what it will take to get your father to start baby-proofing this place. There are enough wires lying around for you to electrocute yourself a thousand times over.
We're still waiting to see if Margarita, the Au Pair, is able to make it into the country, too, which is quite nerve-wracking. If she can't take care of you I don't know what we'll do. I'd also like to have some time to train her and allow you to grow accustomed to her presence instead of mine. To make matters even more interesting, poor Grandpa broke his femur last night when he slipped on some ice and will be staying with us for who knows how many months. He'll be needing a lot of help, and I'm really not sure how we're going to cope with all this.
Anyhow, I'm at least relieved that my job at Library and Archives Canada has come through, and that I will never again work in a kitchen! Regular hours and good income will do so much toward making me a happy Mama!
I look forward to seeing you develop over our next few weeks together. You seem ready to start pulling yourself up to a standing position, so I've been tyring to figure out how to facilitate this urge with a piece of furniture that's the right height and sturdy enough not to tip over. Easier said than done. I suspect you'll be crawling by the time I go back to work, so Margarita, or whoever will be taking care of you, will certainly have their hands full! And then in a few months, when things have settled down, I'd like to start potty training you, because the smell of cloth diapers is starting to get old.
I'll try to keep posting here as much as I can, but the posts might be sparse in the next little while...

February

2009-02-24T10:09:00.007-05:00

I've been neglecting the blog lately because we all just had a nasty cold- your first cold, in fact. Not too shabby- your first cold didn't occur till February- all my hand-washing paid off!

We started swim lessons a couple days ago. You were a bit chilly at first, since the water, while warm, is not the same temperature as the bath water to which you've become accustomed. You got over that pretty quickly, though and we played in the water with the other babies, splashing around and tyring out the slide. The slide didn't really work out so well since you just kind of sat there while I tried to slide you down into the water, but the teacher says that by the end of the class everyone should get the hang of it. I'm just glad I wasn't in one guys shoes whose baby never stopped crying the whole time. I'm very thankful that you're such a good-natured baby. The only time you got a bit upset was when we were instructed to encourage our babies to blow bubbles in the water and you choked a bit. But again, you moved on quickly. I don't have any pictures of you swimming yet, because Daddy didn't join us, but he will in the future and I'll post them here.

I also started a sock knitting class this past weekend in order to have a little "Mommy time." It was very relaxing to have two hours to myself! Next weekend, however, Daddy won't be able to babysit, because he'll be in Toronto for a shoe show, so I'm trying to figure out how I can still go to class when you've never been babysat before. The class falls during your afternoon nap, so if I bring you to someone's house, you'll probably resist sleep and become overtired on top of being distraught that I'm not around. You even gave your father a bit of a hard time during the first class, so I'm worried about what you'll do with someone else. So, hopefully I will be able to get someone to come to our place and hang out while you sleep. Or something like that. We'll see. I'm tempted to skip the class altogether, but it's an important one, where we learn how to turn a heel, so it's not to be missed. I guess I have to cross this particular bridge sometime...

Other than that, I'm just trying to keep you entertained in the interim before you start crawling and spring arrives. You're extremely bored with all your toys and have outgrown your Exersaucer/babysitter after only having used it for three months. We're both going stir-crazy from winter at this point, but soon enough I'll be chasing you around the house to keep you out of trouble, wishing theses boring days were back!

My Bookish Baby

2009-02-03T10:47:00.008-05:00

I'm so proud of the fact that , as early as two months old, you knew how to turn the pages of a book, and knew to turn them right to left. You have always loved books, the first one being Winnie the Pooh's Senses, which introduced you to the senses of taste, touch, sound, smell and hearing in relation to the process by which Winnie the Pooh tracks down his beloved honey. You used to go wild for the bees in the illustrations, scratching at them with your tiny fingers. You even learned to hold the book on your own and I just had to take a picture to show everyone what a genius my kid was. Your dexterity with books was just another thing that made me faux-casually acknowledge that, yes, you were "advanced." No big deal; you have really great genes after all.

Your interest in books has now peaked with Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See?, which was given to you by my best friend's mother. You demand (as much as a seven-month-old can demand) to be read that book every night before bed. You seem to have memorized the inflections and rhythms of what we are reading, so you know when it's time to turn the page. Other nights, however you are more excited and we can't read fast enough for all the page-turning! Then I have to read the book twice, because you don't seem to have been satisfied by the first time.

Unfortunately, however, Brown Bear has ruined you for other books, due to the brevity of its pages. Any other book that has more text quickly loses your interest and we have to read either Winnie the Pooh (which is also low on text) or Brown Bear again. Daddy and I can now recite these two books by heart!

I'm glad you've taken an early interest in books, though, and I have gotten a library card so we can take out new board books from the library in Greely. I hope you continue to enjoy reading as much as I do, because more than any other activity, reading has enriched and my life in many different ways. I have learned and grown so much from the things I've read, and couldn't have stabilized myself on the path of motherhood without the help of books.

So, I say to you, give 'er!

Sweet Relief

2009-01-28T11:40:00.007-05:00

So much has changed with your sleep habits- change for the better, and I don't know how to tell you how much of a relief this is for your somewhat sleep-obsessed mother. Your naps have miraculously lengthened on their own, with no tweaking from me and your awake time has also lengthened to about two and a half hours instead of one and a half. You started dropping the fourth nap about a month ago, and in the last couple of weeks you've actually started to resist the third nap, which is something I didn't think you'd do till you were much closer to 9 months. Sometimes you take this nap, sometimes you don't, and when you don't, it's not the catastrophe that it would have been before. Only a few weeks ago, you would have gotten extremely overtired and grumpy by 5:00 and we would have had to take you for a drive to make you sleep, which is rather expensive, as it takes you 30 minutes to fall asleep in the first place, even in the nice, bouncy, gas guzzling truck. (The picture above is one I took arching back over the seat in the car with my cellphone to see if you were asleep or not. I never got around to buying one of those rear-facing car seat mirrors.) Or we would get you out of your crib and rush you through your bedtime routine to get you to bed early enough to make up for lost sleep and to prevent you from waking up and crying out every hour after falling asleep for the night. And then you would wake up early the next day because we had put you to bed early, even though you needed the extra sleep you would have had if you had slept till your normal wake-up time. This would then throw off the whole next day, because your eating and sleeping schedule would be pushed back by an hour. And so on, and so on.

This cycle was maddening to me because I'm a person who Likes to Have Control. But you have taught me to let go, however difficult that may be, and as soon as I decided to stop caring about your sleep habits and worrying that every little sound was going to wake you up, your habits changed. It was almost as if the things I was driving myself crazy about were somehow manifesting themselves through the force of my thoughts. By being negative I was making negative things happen. Who knows, maybe you picked up on my tension and negative energy and this affected your sleep. Either way, I'm glad that's all over and hope that I won't lapse into my old ways. This tends to happen when things have been easier for a little while; I tend to like to have something to complain/obsess about, and by God, I'll find one! Anyhow, here's hoping that I've learned my lesson and this won't happen.

I guess the only thing I do have to complain about right now (though it actually makes me laugh- see how much I've changed?) is that just when your naps had extended to 1.5 hours instead of 40 minutes, you started pooping during your first nap time, which would either wake you up or prevent you from going to sleep. A few days later, you started pooping for the second nap as well. And then the third one. Because of all this, your naps have gotten shorter- more like an hour now, but it's so much better than 40 minutes that I'm still eating it up. Ideally, however, you would go back to what you were doing, which is sleeping for 1.5 hours in the morning and afternoon, skipping the last nap and going to bed around 7:00. Life, however, is far from ideal, so I'll just have to ride out your poops for now. With a smile on my face.

Beep!

2009-01-25T13:25:00.007-05:00

Since giving birth I 've had a burning question on my mind. Why, oh, why must everything beep?

Things we own that, in my mind, beep unnecessarily:

the microwave
the oscillating fan
the washer and dryer (but thank God, I can turn those ones off!)
the stove
the car stereo when you turn off the ignition
the digital camera
the toaster oven when you open the door (the dumbest phenomenon ever)

And a great many other things. I just don't understand why everything has to beep, as if we don't know that a button has been pushed, really pushed, for real, unless it beeps. Why do we need this constant reassurance? This nonsense has woken my son countless times and I feel like writing a nasty letter to whomever is in charge of such things. Are people really that insecure?
Enough already!

"Don't worry, he won't explode."

2009-01-23T10:25:00.002-05:00

So last night I took the advice of the doctor and kept feeding you against my better judgement because, apparently, you'd let me know when you were full.

Well, that you did, but it was a bit delayed. I gave you your cereal and then a couple of tablespoons of pear and raspberry puree. You still seemed hungry after that and I knew you hadn't had milk for a few hours so I decided to mix up a bottle of formula. Now, it just happens to be my habit to make 4 oz, and I didn't think you would drink all of it. But you did. I should have stopped there. But I didn't. So I gave you a few more spoonfuls of pears and raspberries, wondering how on earth you had room for all this food, but shrugging it off, thinking you'd let me know when you were full, as the pediatrician had said. You did stop eating, though, and commenced hiccuping. I had an inkling that something bad was going to happen, and tried to ignore said inkling.

So, I lifted you out of your high chair and brought you upstairs for story time in the rocking chair, where you continued to hiccup and whimper. Every so often during "Brown Bear" you would crane your neck back to look up at me with an odd little expression I had never seen before, and then you started rubbing your eyes and I knew you were ready for bed. So I put down the book, picked you up and I guess the pressure of your swollen belly against my chest was too much for you and you promptly threw up fruit and formula all over my shoulder, down my shirt and into my nursing bra. And I, being the vomit-o-phobe that I am, gasped and tore your body away from mine in a futile attempt to stay clean, holding you as far away from as I could as I walked over to the change table. I wonder if they offer some kind of sensitivity training for mothers.

I did feel very bad that I had done this to you, though, especially when, after comforting you, cleaning you up and putting you to bed, I looked at the video monitor in the living room and noticed that you hadn't budged since I put you down. You hadn't made a peep, either. That never happens; you usually fuss around and do figure-eights in your crib for a good twenty minutes before drifting off to sleep at night. Poor little, guy, you must have felt awful!

Anyhow, I promise it won't happen again, that I will use my judgement, or what's left of it.

I have always had a problem with barf, but I suspect I'm going to have to get over that particular phobia pretty quickly and through the on-the-job training that is parenthood. Before you were born I always told your father that I would do most of the work of raising you as long as he would take on vomit-duty. That's how much I hate the sight, sound and smell (and now the sensation) of barf- that I had this plan in my mind before the pee had dried on the stick.

I'm beginning to see, however, that this little plan, much like any other plan I've had for pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, will probably fall by the wayside and I'll be mopping up puke from your daycare begotten stomach viruses before I know it. But that's okay, because at least it will be your puke, and Mama loves you.

Oh, How Cheeky

2009-01-07T11:16:00.003-05:00

The other day daddy told me that when he reads you “Brown Bear” before bedtime, you pause at the teacher page and bend down to kiss her. She wears glasses and has brown hair, just like mama, so we figure you think it’s me. This melted my heart; I’m so happy to have an affectionate baby! You’ve been kissing my cheek when I pick you up out of your crib in the morning for about a month now. Of course, your kiss is more like a latch-on without the sucking- very cute; you grab my face, open your mouth and jam your lips against my cheek for a few seconds. I didn’t even know babies could kiss, or that it would occur to them to do something like that. I guess you picked it up from my kissing you, oh, I don’t know, ALL THE TIME. I love to kiss those chubby cheeks of yours, the cheeks you inherited from your Daddy. Four chubby cheeks in one house- I just can't stand it!

Knit Happens

2009-01-03T11:31:00.004-05:00

I knit you some mittens and a toque the other day out of nice toasty merino wool. I hope you like them, although, if you're anything like me, you will find the sensation of wool against your skin to be objectionable, to say the least. But, what's important is that your warm, and acrylic yarn just isn't that warm. Nor does it come in such nice, rich colours.

Next I'm going to knit daddy a matching hat in grey without the doohickey on top. I tried to get him to accept a doohickey, but he wouldn't have it.

We've been going for little outings to the mailbox lately, to get some fresh air and sunlight to break up our days inside by the fireplace. It does me good, but sometimes you just end up getting too cold and your breath comes in little gasps, your eyes water and your nose runs down over your top lip and I end up feeling like a bad mother- again. But, I'm getting used to that feeling. Anyway, once January's over, it's all downhill for the winter. It still drags, mind you, but the days start getting noticeably [sort of] longer and the cold snaps subside.

The Rideau Canal will be open soon, so hopefully it won't be too cold so we can take you out on it in one of those rental sleighs- all bundled up in your little hat and mitts!

Don't Wake Me, I'll Wake You

2008-12-27T13:57:00.002-05:00

I have decided to take control of the night waking situation and wake you for feedings instead of the other way around. In my mind, this will prevent you from creating the association between crying and my coming to your rescue at night. And so far it's been working- you still wake in the night, but you don't always cry out for your mother. So, we've gone from 3-4 wakings to 2, which is fine by me. This time I have to admit the influence of the Dog Whisperer, who insists that the human should always be in control. Well, your human is in control, if only for now, and it feels good. Really good. You get what you want, I get what I want, everybody wins. Now the only problem is that I don't know when or how to stop, because the times I wake you will probably become habitual wake-up times for you. I am also aware that you are now old enough and eat enough in the daytime to warrant my refusing to feed you at night, but according to most mothers I've spoken to, even babies over a year old often wake at least once per night. So, for now, I'm just going to take what I can get while maintaining some peace. It's been a while since the dreaded "sleep training" and I'm reluctant to revisit the screaming. My hope is that you will (eventually) abandon the night waking on your own, so I'll just have to be tired for a while longer. If only I could nap...

Success!

2008-12-09T11:07:00.003-05:00

You slept in your crib in your own room last night and it didn’t seem to phase you! It was a little rough getting you down for the nap before bed, however, because you were a bit overtired and didn’t know how to go to sleep without resting your legs on our mattress. Instead of a mattress there was a wall of wood slats and I'm sure you were all like, "wtf?" Anyway, the night was so easy that I’m afraid tonight will be a disaster. Either way, though, I slept better than I have in a while, not having to worry about every breath, movement or rustling of the duvet waking you up. And as a bonus daddy won’t be sleeping on the couch anymore! Contrary to what I had imagined, I was able to nurse you in the night and place you back in the crib without protest. I just plunked you down and went back to bed! It was such a relief!

To be honest, I think I had more hangups about the crib than you did.

And Sleep Some More...

2008-12-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Since we couldn’t go to Florida because you don’t have a passport (oops) we’ve decided that today’s the day when we put up the side of your crib and move you to the other room. Your very own room(!). This is a big deal, since you’ve been sleeping next to Mama at night since you were born in order to facilitate night nursing. This night nursing, however, must come to an end because I'm way too tired to carry on most days. Also, since we’re in sync and I come out of a deep sleep when you do, it’s inevitable that I stir and wake you even more when you’re in a light sleep phase.

I am both excited and terrified about what might happen tonight...

Sleep, Baby, Sleep

2008-12-01T09:43:00.002-05:00

Six days ago you went to sleep without nursing (or any other “prop,” such as the being driven in the truck) for the first time, and we haven’t looked back. Although it’s hard to look around when there’s a baby screaming in your face.
We have discovered the techniques of the Baby Whisperer. They’re kind of a middle road between crying it out and the joke that is 24 Hour (Attachment) Parenting. Mama wanted her life back, so she decided to stop nursing Ethan to sleep so that maybe someone else might be able to get him to go to sleep one day. I had given you five months to figure out how to go to sleep on your own (after nursing), and you were getting it, but I didn’t have all year. And that’s where the Baby Whisperer came in.
According to Tracy Hogg, what you want to do is put the baby in the crib and leave the room. When he starts crying, pick him up and comfort him, and the minute he stops crying, put him down- even if you have to pick him up 150 times, he will eventually get the idea that there’s no breast coming and go to sleep. The key is that we are there for you while you work out your frustrations over learning how to sleep without nursing. So this is what we’ve been doing. Unfortunately for me and you , though, patience is not one of Mama’s virtues, so when you’ve been screaming and crying for about forty-five minutes, Mama starts to get a little annoyed. And that’s where Daddy comes in. Poor Papa always has to rescue us and calm us both down, but hey, that’s what fathers are for!
Anyhow, things have been improving- you only wake and require assistance three or four times a night now, instead of 6-10, some of your naps have been longer (once or twice a day, hallelujah!) and you’ve been going down without your parents in the room about twice a day for the last 5 days!!

Naps, etc.

2008-11-22T11:10:00.004-05:00

As I write this, you’re upstairs in your crib in the second phase of Nap 1 for today. That’s right, your naps have become science experiments. A couple of months ago, you began to shorten your naps to the point where, now, I can set my watch by each 45-minute sleep. There’s not a lot I can get done in 45 minutes, especially if we have to leave the house, since getting to every destination from Metcalfe eats away half of your awake time (which has been about an hour). This is a problem. We even had to quit playgroup because of this. I have no life and no prospect of a life till this is solved. Another aspect of the problem is that you still don’t put yourself to sleep most of the time, although I’ve seen you do it on a number of occasions. So, I’ve been doing research like crazy to figure out how to lengthen your naps “manually,” so that you might start lengthening them on your own. And somehow, you manage to foil me every time I try something. Curse you! At present, I’m trying the Wake-to-Sleep method from the Baby Whisperer. I figured if she’s anywhere near as good as the Dog Whisperer, it’s got to work. Buuuut it doesn’t.
What I do is put you down and then wait till about 5 or 10 minutes before you would usually wake, and go in and nudge you gently so that you stir ever so slightly. This is supposed to sort of trip the switch, sending you into the next sleep cycle without you rousing to wakefulness before you get there. So far, we’re 0 for 8- you’re winning. Somehow you’ve managed to change your once consistent 45 minute naps just enough so that I get my timing wrong. Or this is what it seems like to me. I know you’re fucking with me. You probably wait there and pretend to be asleep, getting my hopes up that the nudging worked and then you’re all “Ha ha! Just kidding! I’m not going to sleep through to the next sleep cycle, sucka!” So, when the nudging doesn’t work and you do start to rouse, I quickly lie down and stick my boob in your mouth before you really start rooting for it and wake completely. So far, this is working, but I’m disappointed that I haven’t been able to finesse you with WTS.
Why, oh why, couldn’t I let you cry it out? Because you’re too cute, that’s why.

So, if nothing else, you’ve taught me the importance of patience. This patience was tested this morning, however, when you woke up (early) at 6:00 and wouldn’t go back to sleep. Eventually, I discovered that you were wet, so I changed you in to a new diaper and onesie and took you back into our bed to see if I could get another hour out of you, since daddy had said the night before that he would get you up this morning so I could sleep in. And then you peed. In our bed. Not cool. So, I tossed you back in your crib (which is now beside our bed with the front down) and scootched over into the puddle of pee to get my boob into your mouth so that you might still go to sleep. No dice. So we got up, and just as I was done slathering your bum with rash cream you decided to pee all over yourself, the change table and the curtain. Again, not cool. So, I stripped you down and ran you a bath and snapped at daddy and that was how my day started. Patience? Out the window.
But, once we go downstairs and have breakfast together and you do all the cute little things you do, it all becomes worth it. All my petty frustration dissapears. You have made me a bigger person than I thought possible; thank you.

Stop the Bus, I Want to Get Off!

2008-11-07T13:54:00.002-05:00

You tried your first bowl of organic cereal today. And I cried. Up until this point I was anxious to try cereal to see if you would fill up a bit more and sleep better in the night and so daddy could feed you if you wouldn't take a bottle while I was away. But now that I've seen you eat with such enthusiasm I'm afraid that things are moving too fast. It was a shock to see you consume something other than the breast milk that has sustained you for the last five months. This moment signified the beginning of the end of our "breastfeeding relationship," a relationship that has been fraught with ups and downs and that has tied us together, (sometimes too much) for such a long time. I have been yearning for my freedom from breastfeeding for a while now, trying to get you to take more than a couple of ounces of milk from a bottle so I could get out for more than a few hours at a time. But today all I could think of was that before long you would be driving a car and that I should really savour our "baby" time together.

Mr. Loudpants

2008-11-01T14:02:00.002-04:00

Today you were squawking so much and so loudly while playing in your Exersaucer that the dog left the room.

My Baby is Trying to Kill Me

2008-10-25T15:17:00.004-04:00

I write to you from a sleep-deprivation-induced stupor to let you know that you woke up twelve times last night. You keep outdoing yourself- congratulations. This night waking is at least partly my fault, though, since I have been allowing you to nurse yourself to sleep (and then back to sleep when you wake up) oh, I don't know, since you were born? Of course, in the early days, or even the early months, this is acceptable, because, apparently, babies haven't the ability to put themselves to sleep. Why didn't anyone tell me this??? It's like people purposely leave out information when they talk about parenthood so they don't scare you away from having your own kids. Or they want some company for their misery. Anyhow, I just never got up the nerve to stop nursing you to sleep because I had an irrational fear of making you cry AT ALL. I didn't want to be the cause of your suffering and so I made myself suffer.

As a result, I've been spending most of my days in bed with you, trying to get you to go to sleep and once you've drifted off I gently extract mys boob from your mouth and steal out of bed like a ninja, hoping not to wake you up. I'm actually pretty good at it now. I know that babies take at least twenty minutes to enter a deep sleep, so I watch the clock till my window's open. Ridiculous, I know, but I don't know how else to get you to sleep without letting you cry it out.

I know it would be so much easier if I could put you down in your crib and walk away, even leaving the house so as not to hear you crying. This is what most people seem to do, because it's easier and if there is a relapse where the baby starts resisting sleep again, it's easier to go back to the CIO method than one that is more involved. CIO also has a good track record for being effective quite quickly and for the long term as well as for eliminating night waking. I just can't do it, though. I can't destroy the trust you've built in me and I really can't bear the thought of you lying there in your crib in the dark thinking you've been abandoned by the most important person in your life. You've only been on this earth for four months after all- you don't know what's going on.

I know that I can't keep nursing you to sleep forever, though. I'm not as patient as the mothers who nurse their babies to sleep until the baby reaches the falling-to-sleep-on-their-own milestone, the only milestone that doesn't have a set time frame. Some people nurse their kids to sleep for up to two years! Guh!? I can't do this, however, one reason being that as long as you can't get to sleep on your own, you can't get back to sleep on your own. Because of this and the ever-more-frequent waking I've become a zombie. I don't even feel safe driving anymore, and you know what? I need to drive. So the sleep nursing is going to stop- just as soon as I figure out how to end it without torturing you (and your parents) too much. I'll let you know how it goes...

This Will Heretofore Be Referred to as "The Incident"

2008-08-30T13:39:00.002-04:00

The other day Mama and Papa got hungry while running some errands, so we decided to stop and get some Wendy's on the way home. We got home and ate our food and then you wanted some attention, so we brought you up onto the couch. Being the warm, sharing person that I am, I decided to offer you a bit of my hamburger as you sat on daddy's lap. Unfortunately, you don't have very good head control at the moment, so, while daddy was holding your body, your head flopped forward into the burger, getting ketchup on your face and up your nose. Without thinking, I grabbed a Wendy's napkin (read: a piece of sandpaper) with which to wipe your face. In retrospect, I see this was a bad idea, as I'm pretty sure that the napkin sensitised your delicate skin to the acidity of the ketchup aaaand you didn't stop screaming for twenty minutes after that. This was a record-breaking occasion of stupidity, something that we decided never to talk about with other parents, as it would surely reveal that we were unfit to raise you. So, if you grow up with an aversion to hamburgers or ketchup, that would be why. On the bright side, however, if you develop an aversion to fast food as a whole I would just like to say your welcome.

No Binky for Me, Thanks

2008-08-13T10:43:00.003-04:00

You've never really been into the whole pacifier thing. I guess it's because, when you have the real thing, why accept a pitiful substitute? We try to get you to accept the binky because it would be nice to be able to plug you up sometimes, but you just keep spitting it out.

Sometimes you reject the binky because you're actually hungry ("I'm hungry!" cries and "I want to suck!" cries are exactly the same- who knew?) But for the most part, you just want the boob. So, Mama's been your human pacifier for two months now, sitting in the glider in front of the TV most of the time with you zonked out on the nursing pillow on my lap, suck, suck, sucking away. Being trapped in a chair would ordinarily drive me crazy, but I know that it's important to let you do this in order to build my milk supply (the more you suck, the more milk I produce), and I really haven't minded the rest, especially in the immediate postpartum period. Daddy even rigged up the TV so I could surf the internet from the rocker with the wireless keyboard and mouse. That way, I can Google all my obsessive thoughts and questions concerning your existence, because, you know what? I have little to no idea what I'm doing, and the internet is now fulfilling the role of your grandmothers, who are not around to offer help or support. It's tough going about this alone with your father. We really have no one to turn to, and we keep making mistakes- many mistakes. Like using myself as a human pacifier; which will most likely cause you to become overly dependent on me for both sleep and security. But, I do it anyway, because I enjoy it. I might regret it later, when I'm trying to teach you to sleep on your own by putting you into your bassinet awake (without the boob!), but for now this is a special experience we're having; a fleeting experience. And if there's any Googled advice that's stuck with me, it's that your babyhood will pass very quickly and I should savour every moment of it. So, if that means that I have to spend my days confined to a rocking chair, then so be it.